You might find this topic appealing for one of two reasons: (1) you are a parent and your interested in someone else's opinion of why parenting is hard or, (2) you are interested in this blog because you know that I'm not a parent and you are wondering how I would know anything difficult about parenting.
But with two brothers who are 6 and 5... a new little sister that is 9... 2 nephews... and having been a kid once myself (and a misbehaving one at that) I figure I MIGHT no a little bit about kiddos.
Well... I was reading my Developmental Psychology Textbook (Yes it is summer... No I am not taking summer school... and Yes, I am loser enough to read a textbook) to see if I could find out more about the development of Asher and Clay! If anybody out there reading this knows these two little kids... you know that we never know what is going on in their mind or what they are going to do next. So in efforts to better my big-sister and sometimes what seems like parenting skills... I have taken the initiative to learn more about their own personal development. Here is what I found:
One particular issue that I found interesting was the topic of Discipline & Punishment. This is apparently not only an issue for parents but psychologists as well. Discipline varies a great deal from family to family and culture to culture. Ideally, parents would like to anticipate misbehavior and guide their children toward patterns that will help them lifelong. But if you are parents... you know that you cannot always anticipate bad behavior and prevent the problem from arising; sometimes punishment is necessary. But how should we punish our children?
Don't worry this is not going to be just another modernistic opinion that we should never spank our children because we are their friends and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! But rather... just an opinion from observance. It should be stated upfront that I was a very difficult child. I was the typical child who "Knew Everything", Never needed any help, always tested limits, didn't even know when I crossed the line, ran when I was supposed to walk, talked when I was supposed to be quiet, and would show off when I was supposed to be modest, and on top of all that I was severely ADHD.
My parents tried everything, they spanked, they grounded me, they did time-outs, they took away toys, they discussed why what I did was wrong & explained the consequences, and etc. They literally tried everything!
Well, first of all it needs to be stated up front that NO DISCIPLINARY TECHNIQUE WORKS QUICKLY AND AUTOMATICALLY TO TEACH ANY AND ALL CHILDREN DESIRED BEHAVIOR. Remember, it is easy to stop a child for a moment with a slap, a threat, or a spanking, but it is hard to shape behavior so that the child gradually internalizes the parents' standards. Yet we all understand that although this is the goal we feel like it is rarely the result.
Between ages 2 & 6 children are supposed to learn how to reflect on consequences, to control their emotions and bring their actions closer to what their parents expect. Then, the child becomes self-regulating, not just obedient.
In every family, the first step is clarity about what is expected. What is "rude" or "nasty" or "undisciplined" behavior in one community is often accepted, even encouraged, in another. Each family needs to decide its goals and make them explicit for the child. Parents have a wide range of expectations and thoughts regarding the raising of the children, although they are often unaware that they even have them. This diversity is all the more reason that both parents need to sit down and discuss their expectations--to form a strong parental alliance.
The second step is to remember what the child is ABLE TO DO. Many parents often forget how immature children's control over their bodies and minds is. For instance, some parents punish children for wetting the bed, but no child deliberately wets the bed. Three-year-olds are clumsy and irrational; they will inevitably break things and tell lies. Young children gradually come to understand things from other viewpoints.
- Encouraging empathy (How would you feel if someone did that to you?) increases good and decreases bad behavior.
- Remember their emerging self-concept. Young children are developing a sense of who they are and what they want. Adults should protect that emerging self, neither forcing 3-year olds to share their favorite toys nor saying, "Words do not hurt." Instead, children need to know when and how to protect their favorite possessions and their emerging sense of self. For instance, a child can learn not to bring a toy to school unless he or she is willing to share it with everyone.
- Young children are eager to talk and think, but they say more than they really understand. Children who "just don't listen" should not always be punished, because they may not have understood a command. Discussion before and after they misbehave helps children learn.
- Remember, that young children are not yet logical. The connection between misdeed and punishments needs to be immediate and transparent, but usually it is not. If you were spanked as a child, do you remember why? Did you ever do the same misdeed again?
Punishment should be rare, reserved for misdeeds that the child understands and could reasonably control.
About planning punishment... physical punishment (slapping, spanking, or beating) is used more on children ages 2 to 6 than any other age group. Many parents believe that spanking is acceptable, legitimate, and sometimes necessary, they often remember being spanked themselves.
However, the life-span perspective reminds us of long-term consequences. Physical punishment works at the moment it is administered--spanking stops a child's misbehavior--but long term research finds that children who are physically punished are likely to become bullies, delinquents, and then abusive adults. Domestic violence of every type--spousal abuse, threats, and insults all correlate with bad behavior in childhood and then adulthood. Of course, many children who are spanked do not become violent adults (me for example). But, spanking increases the risk, but other factors (poverty and temperament, among others) are stronger influences. Nevertheless, psychologists often wonder why parents would increase any risk. Since physical punishment increases the possibility of aggression and only temporarily increases obedience, it is not recommended.
But, in truth, every kind of punishment might have some sort of long-term consequence. Another method that parents like to you is psychological control. This is when the parent uses guilt and the child's gratitude toward the parent which might damage the child's initiative, self-confidence, and achievement. There was one interesting study where I read where the parents were asked to respond to the following statements by rating themselves: 1--not at all like me and 5--very much like me. The statements were:
- My child should be aware of how much I have done for him/her.
- I let my child see how disappointed and shamed I am if he/she misbehaves.
- My child should be aware of how much I sacrifice for him/her.
- I expect my child to be grateful and appreciate all the advantages he/she has because of me.
The results conclude that the higher parents scored on psychological control, the lower the children's math scores. The connection only grew stronger and stronger as the children advanced in school.
Another disciplinary option is time-out. For young children, a time-out can be quickly effective; one minute of time-out per year of age is suggested. Another common practice is withdrawal of love, when the parent expresses disappointment or looks sternly at the child, as if the child were no longer lovable.
A third method is induction, where the parents talk with the child, getting the child to understand why the behavior was wrong. Conversation helps children internalize standards, but listening takes time and patience from the child as well as from the adult. Since three-year-olds don't understand causes and consequences, they cannot understand the question "Why did you do that?"
I know the each method varies in consequences and effectiveness, depending on the child's temperament, the culture, the parents' personalities, and the parent-child relationship. For example, a time out is only effective if the child prefers to be with other people.
Although sometimes we lose our temper (okay... most of the time...) the goal is for us to set limits and enforce rules, but also listen to our children. Expect your children to give opinions and discuss emotions with them! Do not treat your word as law, and not allow them to ask questions. Questions are healthy and so are explanations. Do not let bad behavior go without notice... you are responsible for shaping your children! You are not raising them to be children forever... yo you are raising them to have the qualities you would like them to have as adults (within limitations of courses). "Because I said so..." is not an acceptable answer. Demand maturity but usually forgive (not punish) the child if they fall short. Consider yourself a guide as a parent, not an authority or a friend. After all... this is how God treats us as his children. He is after all, the perfect father.
And for all you discouraged parents out there... Remember... nobody is perfect, we all lose our temper... we all scream... we all yell... we all lose our patients sometimes! But parenting is just another activity in our lives that is supposed to bring us to our knees, crying out to God (the only perfect parent) for help and support, for empathy, understanding, and strength. Remember... parenting is not a sprint... it is a marathon. Endure... persevere.... Take time every day to get the strength that you need from the heavenly father!
